In another life, I was a thief stockbroker for a large NYSE firm called “Kidder, Peabody & Co.” The firm was part of the whole Boesky/Milken insider trading/fraud scandal of the late 1980’s. (At this point, my attorney requires me to say that I had no knowledge of insider trading activity at Kidder, Peabody or any other brokerage firm. Not really. I don’t even have an attorney, but I’ve cursed seen them on TV.)

But today, Kidder Peabody & Co. - like yellow power ties - no longer exists.

One of the first toys I bought myself when I was a new broker was an HP-12C calculator. This was in the days before PCs became mainstream. It was even before they became useful. (“Look honey, I wrote a loop on the TRS-80 that says ‘hello, Jeff’ over and over again.” “Yes, honey. But remind me why we spent $1,200 on this.”)

The HP-12C was one of the finest examples of engineers doing something so right that they inadvertently created a work of art. Ask anyone who’s ever used an HP-12C and their eyes will light up like crack addict who sees his dealer coming up the street.

In a world of compromise, this little gadget was as perfect as a calculator could be. They once tried to improve it – I’m sure at the urging of the marketing folks - but it was just a nerdier version of the “New Coke” disaster.

I still have my HP12C and use it regularly. I love it. The thought of losing it brings to mind a paraphrase of the late NRA President Charlton Heston as he held his rifle over his head and bellowed, “FROM…MY…COLD…DEAD…HANDS!!!!”

Now, CNET reports that there is an HP-12C iPhone App available. Where do I sign up?

Note: If you feel cheated that this story wasn’t mock-y enough, let me leave you with this:  Nice shirt. What is it…90% Banlon?