If you’re like me, your wall is constantly bombarded with every movement your friends make on their little Farm game on Facebook. Now, you can give them a little gift of arson.
For just $1, you can send the gift that will show them what you truly think of their daily notifications.
Opera, the browser of choice for dozens of Internet users worldwide, announced today that they plan to “reinvent the internet” on June 16.
While they were intentionally vague about what their plans actually are, it seemed to interest no one. In fact, the conference call for the event was mostly just the Opera team chiming in “Tom’s here…Carol’s here…is anyone from the press here yet? Anyone?”
They were more successful in spreading the word on Twitter, however, where they were able to contact all 27 people who’ve installed their software. Most were truly excited, and maintained their stance that the “sheeple” out there wouldn’t know a good browser if it fell into their laps.
In a related story, Al Gore has his lawyers investigating whether any legal action can be taken against Opera for planning to change his invention.
-J
Judging by the tone of the email people send me about Mockaholic, there seems to be some confusion as to whether this is a humor site or a serious news site.
Let me be perfectly clear on this matter, the name “Mockaholic” should be the only clue anyone needs to see that this site is completely silly serious. I have dedicated my life to serious quantities of alcohol journalism and I take shortcuts pride in my work everyday.
I am here when it’s convenient everyday to break wind important technology stories and keep you, my equally potted beloved readers, informed on the latest mail order drugs news to help you work better, play better and yodel live better.
I worked in hell Hollywood for 14 years and in con artistry advertising for 10 years. One thing I learned was to never mix vodka and muscle relaxers on your anniversary confuse your audience.
So I wanted to take this moment to waste more time on a post no one’s gonna read clear this matter up, once and for skin all.
Whether you’re reading one of Mockaholic’s news stories, titillating ribald poetry, feature articles or opinion pieces, you can not trust me believe what I’ve written. Mockaholic’s news will be 100% made up accurate, opinion columns will be poorly thought out insightful, and features stories will be just plain crap entertaining.
I just wanted you to leave me alone already know.
-J
I’m still checking my sources for confirmation, but the rumor on the street is that there is going to be a switch from analog TV transmissions to digital tomorrow. If this is true, it could mean real trouble for millions of Americans.
I am outraged that no one has mentioned this before. I mean, why didn’t the TV stations make us aware that something this game-changing might be happening? Why didn’t they interrupt our peaceful TV-viewing with annoying crawls throughout the night, constant commercials and special news broadcasts.
It’s simply ridiculous that the powers that be are springing this on us tomorrow with absolutely no warning.
Now, mind you, I don’t watch much over-the-air TV ever since I started downloading movies illegally reading more, but I’m pretty sure I’m right to be outraged about this.
-J
The search engine wars are getting increasingly irritating. Now, Andy Beal’s Marketing Pilgrim blog is reporting that Flickr co-founder Catarina Fake is launching a new site on Monday that’s not a search engine, but rather a “hunch” engine called Hunch.
This follows on the heels of Bing, Microsoft’s new search decision engine and Wolfram|Alpha, the new search computational knowledge engine (so help me God).
If all of these new kids on the block expect to compete with Google – and they do, whether they admit to it or not – their potential users have to understand why they should use the new products INSTEAD of Google. And dressing it up with some highfalutin’ name will only confuse the users these companies hope to lure.
Personally, I don’t want a machine to make a “decision” for me, I want to “search” for Chinese restaurants, see what my choices are and make my own darned decision.
I don’t want to “search” for an auto mechanic and have a machine give me its “hunch” of what I’m really looking for. My Uncle used to have “hunches” about what women really wanted and he ended up in jail.
As a kicker, now get this…Hunch.com will require you to fill out a personality profile before you can get your search hunch results. So now I have to take a psychology test to find a synopsis for Adam Sandler’s latest movie?
I believe in keeping it simple (because I’m stupid). Mockaholic is a futile attempt at mocking the latest in the tech world. We fail miserably, but at least our objective is simple.
Maybe we should become more obtuse (See, Mom, I use my Word-Of-The-Day calendar) and call Mockaholic a “computational mocking engine.”
I like the sound of that.
-J
Okay, so today’s the big day for all the Mac Fanboys out there. Phil will stroll out onto the stage and present the latest and greatest to Apple’s legion of developers (and everyone else too).
Engadget and Gizmodo will be each blogging live, and I’ll be nervously hitting refresh…refresh…refresh over and over again because I’m too darned cheap to go myself. Plus there was that time Customs found the three (!) boxes of Cuban cigars I had strapped to my body when returning from Europe.
Traveling sucks hard now.
In the spirit of comraderie with the 1,945,922,357,812,001 bloggers out there who have already written this same tired story, I present my predictions for today’s WWDC.
iPhone:
Snow Leopard:
Well, there you have it. I think I’ve got a good chance of these being true, since my sources include…well, no one.
Feel free to comment with your own predictions, and we’ll see how I did after the announcement.
-J
Engadget is reporting on some bugs in the new Palm Pre.
What’s that? Bugs in a first generation electronic gadget? I’ve never heard such rot!
Anyway, it appears that the biggest problems include:
1. Splotchy, distorted screens,
2. Prefixing every tweet with “@you suck, here’s why:”,
3. Dead pixels,
4. Funny smells coming from the microphone,
5. Problems with non-standard symbols,
6. The Pre’s bad habit of getting drunk and calling at all hours,
7. Demonic possessions,
8. Lack of a decent App Store,
9. The lack of an Apple symbol on the back,
10. The strange brown liquid it oozes in your ear sometimes.
Of course, I may have made some of those up. You’ll have to go to the original article and read for yourself to see what’s true.
-J
Steve Jobs – If Steve’s there, I may lose it like a little girl. Hmmm…are there any girls here?
The new iPhone – Great. Now the iPhone I bought just last month is nothing but crap. What girl would want me with this outdated POS?
Snow Leopard – They should have named it “Catwoman” and dressed it in a leather-clad box.
An iPhone App that will get me girls – Now, Dammit!
Another Fanboy who speaks Klingon – Then we can speak in private and the girls won’t know what we’re saying about them!
A girl who recognizes my superiority – There’s got to be at least one out there!
“Booth Babes” – No, wait. That’s E3. All they have here are “Booth Snobs.” Why didn’t I go to E3?
Natali Del Conte – Okay, so there are no “Booth Babes.” But maybe Natali will be here. Maybe she’ll think I’m cute. Maybe…crap, it’s Brian Tong!
Amber Mac – She’s a Mac gal. She’s cute. She and I could hang. She’s…not here.
Any girl at all – Please God, let me see at least one girl…any girl.
In another life, I was an ad guy. I lived, breathed and slept advertising. In short, I sucked and had no life.
But those dark days have prepared me for moments like this, when I see a big marketing mistake made by a big multinational corporation. And because I still suck and have no life, I have to mock it right away.
Last night, I saw the new commercial for Bing, the world’s latest Google-killer, courtesy of Uncle Bill at Microsoft. And all I can say is…
WTF?????!!!!!
Apple cut into Windows market share with simple, little commercials that explained why a Mac is superior to a PC. Microsoft responded with simple, little commercials that showed that a PC is cheaper than a Mac. And it worked for them!
So now that Microsoft is going up against Google, you would think they would offer a simple, little commercial that shows why Bing is a better search engine than Google, wouldn’t you?
But no!!! They have to produce this over-the-top, obtuse, nonsensical, way-too-long piece of crap commercial that tells you NOTHING about the product and which gives you no reason whatsoever to check the product out.
When the ad was over, Mrs. Mockaholic - a brilliant woman who had yet to hear of Microsoft’s new search engine - looked over at me and said, “Huh?” This commercial left her that confused.
They might as well have launched gerbils at a wall.
-J
We knew it was coming, mostly because we were just starting to finally squash all the bugs in Windows Vista. Or because we had already rolled back to XP in frustration. Or because Uncle Bill needs more Jacksons. (How’s that for an old-school reference? Pretty groovy, huh?)
In any event, yesterday we learned the date that Microsoft is threatening to release its latest OS (or more appropriately, POS): October 22.
I know the Aztec calendar says we have until 2012, but coming on the heels of another Michael Bay-directed Transformers movie, we might really be facing Armageddon.
Can’t we just deal with this like any other racket? Can’t Microsoft just give us its demands and let us pay our ransom and be done with it? Something like “Give us 1 billion dollars or we’ll release this virus-filled crap onto the world!”
That would be so much easier.
-J
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