Okay, so today’s the big day for all the Mac Fanboys out there. Phil will stroll out onto the stage and present the latest and greatest to Apple’s legion of developers (and everyone else too).

Engadget and Gizmodo will be each blogging live, and I’ll be nervously hitting refresh…refresh…refresh over and over again because I’m too darned cheap to go myself. Plus there was that time Customs found the three (!) boxes of Cuban cigars I had strapped to my body when returning from Europe.

Traveling sucks hard now.

In the spirit of comraderie with the 1,945,922,357,812,001 bloggers out there who have already written this same tired story, I present my predictions for today’s WWDC.

iPhone:

1. The new iPhone will not be called “iPhone 3GS” as Daring Fireball is predicting. It will be called “iPhone Super Terrific Happy Phone,” at least in Japan (Don’t you wish the Japanese named all American products? I’d much prefer buying a “Palm A-number 1 You Bet Phone” than a “Palm Pre”).
2. The rumored “soul-sucking” feature will be delayed until software revision 4.0, code named “Ol’ Scratch.”
3. Cameras will be everywhere, one on the front, one on the back, and one on the bottom for the folks at iPorn.
4. Paycheck deductions will now be available for purchases in the App Store. These won’t be pre-tax deductions, but will come in quite handy when trying to purchase the Slingbox app
5. Following the death of David Carradine and Apple’s romance with the Chinese, you can expect lots Kung Fu influences: blades popping out of the side so it can be thrown like a star, gyroscopic flip & kick abilities and a new feature called “snap the pebble from my screen.”

Snow Leopard:

1. It will run faster on the 7% of the computers out there. It won’t run at all on the other 93%.
2. In a feature that’s similar to musicians teaching you to play guitar or piano on GarageBand, Darren Rowse will be shown in video, teaching you to blog properly. And some effin’ troll from every forum on earth will be watching you, constantly pointing out your spelling and grammar errors.
3. More gesture controlled actions, making Photoshop COMPLETELY unusable on a Macbook.
4. A “Spite Mode” that will automatically send out trash talk to your PC-using buddies via IM.
5. Some other thing, I don’t know. It’s too early to do this.

Well, there you have it. I think I’ve got a good chance of these being true, since my sources include…well, no one.

Feel free to comment with your own predictions, and we’ll see how I did after the announcement.

-J